Hundreds of times I’ve heard these phrases in my office – “I’ll never be able to accept a donor’s child”, “the baby will remind me of a donor”, “ I want to see my genetics in my offspring”…
Frankly saying, when I hear that, I realize that the lady is just not ready for the next step. I’m giving her some more time as I understand her position completely. She feels scared and frustrated since she has just realized that her own body will never produce the life bringing substance. It’s hard for acceptance, the fact that your own body cheated you – close to death.
Statistically 80% of women will say “never” after their first consultation regarding egg donation. About half of them will start thinking about a divorce, considering they have no rights to deprive their partners of a full family opportunity. But, frankly saying, I met a few couples in my professional life when male partners disagreed to accept egg donation.
Patient’s drop off reaches 70% after 3 and more unsuccessful IVF with their own eggs and no one considers alternative ways of reproduction right after the last failed attempt…time, time and again time – that’s all you need to get the right decision.
Some experts believe when a woman faces the loss of fertility – she needs to pass through all 5 stages of grief denial – isolation, anger, bargaining, depression and finally – acceptance.
Isolate and think it over
Every bad news is bad just for the first 3 days. You should really look back and assess how much you did to avoid this situation. Remember your time, money, drugs, hopes, pain, tears and unjustified expectations – all this was in your “infertility life”, on your thorny way to motherhood. Remember how many times you saw your Clearblue test saying nothing, how many times your doctor called you regretting that all embryos stopped in developing or your PGT showed no viable embryos for your transfer. Months of stimulations, an uncountable amount of injections….and nothing at the end but suffer.
You put all that incredible effort to be able to say: “I’ve done everything I could, I used my every single chance, but it’s nothing”.
It does not mean you lost your time, even if you knew the result at the beginning, I am pretty sure you would repeat your way. The hope dies at last. So, whatever the result is – it’s just a step you need to step over and go further.
Let your anger come out
Sing, dance, swim across the Basfor, run, climb your own Everest – let your damaged energy come out, express yourself as much as you can, in the fields you’d never aligned yourself with. This will help you to step aside the reality for a while and find new strength and inspiration to move on. Don’t behave destructively towards your beloved, they do not deserve it, besides may hardly help you to settle the problem.
Bargain with your Ego
Ask yourself: ”Do I want to become a mother of a baby, to carry the baby for 9 month, to give birth myself, to breastfeed, to keep a child in my arms, hear its first laugh and first “ mom”, see the first steps”?
Or “Do I want to become genetically close to my baby , to carry it for 9 months, to give birth myself, to breastfeed, to keep a child in my arms, hear its first laugh and first “ mom”, see the first steps”?
You see, the difference is just in one phrase. Definitely, genetics means a lot – but not everything. How big do you wish? Is your genetics so unique that you can allow it to deprive you from a happiness of parenthood?
I always ask my patients – what exactly do you want your child to inherit exactly from you? What exclusive trait or feature? Are you sure they are definitely inherited? And who may guarantee you will see it in your future child? Perhaps you just want to get another one YOU in the future? Well, the cloning for infertility issues might be possible in the nearest future – but is it a real way out?
I guess, the question is not about genetics at all,and your inner Ego just doesn’t let you say farewell to your own expectations and your plans for this life.
Bargain with it, make a deal with your Ego, and get your happiness, be ready to lose something when you are searching for anything. This is more than the appropriate cost for being a mother. If you really wish to become a mother of YOUR child.
Depression as your platform for the new jump
Being depressed is feeling free from any obsessive thoughts. Depression is a preparation stage for acceptance, since there is no power to fight, no more tears to cry, no one around who you should show your resistance and straightforwardness. You just go downstream, It’s time when you tune your body for the new mood accepting the obvious and preparing yourself for the new jump. What happened is happening – it’s time to tell the truth yourself, stand up, throw all your regrets about the past into the dustbin and start a new life.
Acceptance – is your Gift.
The moment of realizing the readiness for taking donor’s eggs – is a moment of truth, the lady gets a great relief. The whole world is becoming colorful and filled with meaning. Practice shows this is the best moment for searching for the new possibilities to initiate the process of egg donation. You are calm, straightforward, confident in your decision. It’s the best time to open your heart and mind to a new life. Be sure, you will never regret about this moment, and if someday in the future you start your dialog with a child about donation origins, you will definitely start it with:
“Darling, I am your mom, and you are the best child I could ever dream about…”